Coping with Divorce
But divorce need not permanently damage children’s emotional development if parents learn to handle the problems that may arise from this major change in the children’s lives. When divorce becomes inevitable, children should be told about it. By the time parents have reached the point at which living together is no longer possible, even young children will be aware of the tension.
TELLING YOUR CHILD ABOUT DIVORCE
If children are not aware of what is going to happen, they may be upset, believing the truth is too terrible to know. It is not unusual for children to think that they are responsible for the split between their parents. They may remember times when they were the cause of disagreements between them. Or they may think of times they wished one of the parents would leave and never come back. Suddenly they see this wish coming true, and they feel guilty and ashamed.
How to explain the reason for a divorce depends on the children’s age and their ability to understand. Above all, they should be helped to understand that the divorce is not their fault. A 3-year-old will probably be satisfied with “Daddy is not going to live with us anymore.” Another child may want to know why and can be told, “Your father (or mother) and I are not happy together and so we are going to try living in different houses to see if we will be happier that way. If we are, we will get a divorce. We will tell you about it as soon as possible.
When parents take their children into their confidence and let them know what is happening each step of the way, the children feel less bewildered and shut out. At the same time, children should be made to understand that parents, even if divorced, do not stop loving and being responsible for their children. When you break the news of a divorce to your child, do it as calmly as you can. No matter how bitter or angry you may be, try not to speak of the other parent in an unfavorable way.
There is no harm in explaining why you and the other parent could not get along, but don’t burden your child with all the details. Never force the child to take sides. It is unfair, especially when the child needs to know that he or she is still loved by both parents, even though they longer love each other. If a parent deserts the family, do not hold out false hopes that the parent will return. Waiting for a thing that may not happen is harder on the child than being told the truth.
SHARING FEELINGS
No one who has been through the emotional shock of a divorce can act as though nothing has happened. Do not weep on your child’s shoulder, but if you are unhappy at times, there is no reason why you should not share your feelings. If you can convince yourself and the child that you will be happier as time passes, both of you will adjust to the situation more easily. Now and then all children feel anger toward their parents, even if there has been no divorce. But divorce may bring out an unusual amount of resentment. Children should express their anger. No matter how understanding of the divorce they seem to be, they may secretly feel that if their parents had tried harder, they could have kept the family intact.
Sometimes children will not voice their resentment because they think the parents may “divorce” them as well. Instead children may act out their resentment. They may refuse to eat, bite their fingernails, or begin to lie. Let your child know that you understand how he or she feels, and assure the child that no matter how angry you may become with each other, it is not the same kind of anger that led to the divorce. Children need to be able to act out their “bad” feelings and to know that it is safe for them to be angry.
VISITING THE OTHER PARENT
Unless it is impossible, your child needs to be able to visit the other parent. There are no set rules regarding the amount of time to be spent with each parent, but it is generally believed that an equal division of time may confuse the child. The child will feel more secure if there is one home where the greater part of time is spent-a place to belong. The child should be able to say: “This is where I live” and “This is where I visit”. In most cases, it is best to have the court set up visiting arrangements. Visits should be regular, and parents should try to keep the schedule. For the child under 4, daytime visits are usually more satisfactory.
An older child may want to spend the night with the other parent. This may be good, if the experience is a happy one and does not increase strain between the parents. As a child grows older, the legal arrangements concerning visits,-and possibly custody-may well be reviewed and revised to fit the child’s changing circumstances, interests and needs. A parent shouldn’t compete for a child’s love by giving expensive presents and making every visit a holiday.
This is unfair to the “stay-with” parent. It is obviously easier for a parent to make a child feel that the child is more fun to be with when the parent is not bothered by the responsibilities of living with the child daily. If after visits, your child makes unfavorable comparisons between you and the other parent, perhaps you are taking the weight of your responsibilities too heavily.
Perhaps you should spend more time enjoying and less time trying to improve your child. Both parents must keep in mind that down-to-earth caring, understanding, and discipline when needed are more valuable gifts than anything that can be bought.
